Tuesday, May 28, 2013

The Importance of Routine

Today I realized the importance of keeping Junior on a routine.  If he demands to stray from what is required of him, for example demanding pancakes from McDonald's instead of eating the school breakfast, he will always make this demand upon my giving in to it.  He is a creature of serious routine and I must do my part as a parent to ensure he sticks to the right one, simply put.  The ancient scrolls say that we are all creatures of habit, and encourages us to replace bad habits with good ones in order to live the most fulfilled life.  While Junior may make demands, he may NOT stray from the requirements of behavior that  his society dictates.  This is something I foresee being a problem later, as he may clash with authority if I do not establish the importance of following rules, and hence the proper routine, right now.

Therefore my advice to you Super Parents today is this:  Make only one demand of your autistic child, and that is to stick to the routine that will teach him or her the proper behavior to get along in life.  With proper behavior, he or she will survive and perhaps thrive in society, and isn't that what we want them to be able to do?  Stay firm, stay focused, and stay on the right routine!

Peace, love and happiness to you all.

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Puzzles

My son's behavior resembles a puzzle.  Its intricate parts are loosely patterned and specifically intertwined to work together, all to form one whole that, by definition, is circularly represented by its parts.  My son works very much like a puzzle:  a patterned maze of parts, parts that range from easy to difficult, from large to small, and that flows both vertically and horizontally.  He is as complex and simple as a puzzle, and coping with his behavior is as intriguing and frustrating as it is to complete one.  This is a surprisingly interesting comparison, true; but it is an accurate description of his personality and all of its dimensions.

The puzzles of our lives make us stronger individuals who can analyze, feel and judge better than we were able to before. - Unknown

Be strong, Super Parents, and let's keep enjoying life as we put together the pieces of our puzzling and puzzled children and selves.  Peace, love and happiness to you all.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Finding Balance

Roulette, red wine, pilates, meditation, friends, swimming, a day at the beach...these are the other end of the spectrum of my life.  They are the Russia to my North American reality; the sky to my underground whereabouts.  I yearn for them but can never quite reach them.

This is why I need to find a balance.  Of course, self-indulgence is not the goal, but a little escaping reality is always good for the soul.  I say to all parents, whether your child is autistic or not:  find a balance, or your see-saw of a life will eventually crash you into the ground and spiral you into the unknown air, and no one wants to lose that kind of control.  Parenting an autistic child will make you feel the ride more than ever, true; but no one can take away your right and ability to find your personal sense of balance on a daily basis - whatever that may be for you.  Find it, love it and live it -- it is all we have left of ourselves to give to ourselves, so for the sake of you and your child, please do not hesitate to do this.  Balance is what it's all about.

As always, peace, love and happiness to you all!

Battleship

When I was a young girl, I used to love to say to my opponent, "You sank my battleship!"  It was a pleasurable concession to the obvious winner of the moment, and I had no problem proclaiming the victory of another.  Well this willingness to concede, coupled with humility and fairness, is of utmost importance in my adult life, because now I find myself needing to feel this way toward my autistic son, unfortunately more lately than ever.

Yesterday, like most kids will do, he tested my patience on the way to school by continuously demanding cheese and crackers.  This was not possible because we were late for the bell and he would need to get there on time for breakfast, but the more I tried to explain this to him, the more relentless he became with his demand for the cheese and crackers.  So I stood my ground and began enjoying the morning talk show on the car radio. When he realized I would not budge, he kicked and screamed and cried from the back seat, in a heated and focused attempt to sink my battleship.  He won.  I yelled at him and made the mad vein pop out of my neck, which the people in the next car also noticed.  When he gets the best of me, and I find myself losing patience, I must remember this childhood feeling of defeat and accept it for what it is, knowing full well that I will get another chance in the next round.  I should have said to him, with the same conviction of when I was a child, "You sank my battleship.  Now let's go again."

So there you have it, Super Parents.  My toy-driven, nostalgic advice for the day is this:  Whenever your autistic child sinks your battleship, hang in there and go for another round!  Odds are, he or she won't sink it twice.  Keep your heads up, and God bless.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

The Revlon Run/Walk for Breast Cancer: What is a Blessing?

Need I say it?  Participating in this event once again made me place my reality into proper perspective.  What small problems I must have compared to them, I thought, as I walked proudly for the cause.  And once again, we were given the perfect weather to complete the pilgrimage.

Our blessings may not seem to be apparent to us at first, but when surrounded by others whose blessings run quite deeper than our own, we see exactly how we have been blessed.  When surrounded by others who have lost loved ones to cancer, or who are surviviors of it themselves and in a constant battle with it, how does one judge a blessing, or really grasp the dimensions of a blessing?  Only the receiver of the blessing can attempt to describe it, and even he or she may be overwhelmed in the attempt.  A religious person may call this trying to explain the power of the Holy Spirit, but I will simply call it an amazing notion.

Next year, I will be sure to bring along my sons and husband.  They too could have benefited from the physical, emotional and social therapy attending this event gave me.  They too must cope daily with the ways of life that are dictated by an autistic family member, which in itself is physically, emotionally and socially trying.  Participation in events such as the annual Revlon Run/Walk is a surprising balance to this lifestyle, I discovered.  I am thankful that my oldest sister Eileen paid for a small group of us to attend, took the time to register us all individually, then encourage us all, individually, to attend.  What a great effort!  People such as Eileen, I believe, are used as temporary angels by a greater Being, to deliver a larger message and to deliver it directly.  I like to think of enlightened moments in that way, and I am very grateful to have been alert enough to have heard the message.  To all survivors of any ailment, and to those who battle one every day, I say this:  your blessings are still there, and can be quite apparent.  They just need your recognition.

Monday, May 13, 2013

Mother's Day

Mother's Day weekend was very interesting, to say the least.  Junior seemed very happy until we arrived to brunch.  His dad and I had ordered his belgian waffles and proceeded to join the family at the table.  They were seated at a long table in the middle of a ballroom which sat across from the beach and had avery beautiful view of the ocean.  As all eyes on him, or so he thought, we entered a room of approximately 120 guests.  It was at this moment that Junior began resisting us.  He refused to walk, screamed, cried loudly and refused to go a step further into the dining area.  He knelt down and used an almost super-strength all in an effort to not continue.  A little frazzled, I still remembered my motto, which is to leave my ego at the door.  So I calmly walked over to my family while his dad struggled to walk him outside.  I told them that we may have to leave since the crowd is obviously freaking him out today.  After pretty much saying my goodbyes, my mom, sister and I joined my husband outside while Junior continued to resist by scratching and crying.  My sister Lisa, who has always had a calming effect on him, suggested that instead of leaving that we walk across to the beach and ry to give hime some air.  I agreed.  This decision became the new light to my seemingly troubled day.

Three magical things happened when taking that walk on what I now recall was a beautiful, warm and sunny Mother's Day morning, apropos to what would soon occur to me.  First,  Junior actually did calm down completely and he even began asking to return to his "pancakes".  He was showing signs of being ready to re-join the family and the fact that he communicated that was a huge change from five minutes before.  That made me very happy.  Second, and to start off the journey, my sister reminded me how humbling staring into the abyss of the ocean can be, as it puts everything into perspective and reminds us of the smallness of our so-called problems.  She said it should remind us of how minute these problems are within the grand scheme of the universe.  Third, and most amazingy, I believe that the culmination of Junior's sudden calm, added to Lisa's words of wisdom and the truth to her words as I stared out into the sea, together formed an all-calming, welcoming, warm feeling of something I never thought I needed but now I am sure that I do: acceptance.  I had an epiphany, and my declaration is this:  I accept my son, my fate, his fate and the fate of our family.  I accept who he is, what he can be, and who I must be for him, for myself, and for the rest of my family.  I accept it all, and I am okay with it.  And with acceptance suddenly came an overwhelming ability to see the beauty that surrounds me.  It gave me rest, and it gave me peace, about as suddenly as Junior recieved the same.  I had the most amazing walk on Mother's Day morning, because when I returned, I returned to the loving arms of the rest of my sons, beautiful as they are and proud as they make me; of my loving nephews, parents, sisters, and brothers-in-law; even of the fellow guests who seemed to welcome me back, and I smiled a smile from heaven.  At that moment I felt that I had been truly blessed, despite how it appeared minutes before. This wekend, my greatest gift is when upon my return and perhaps through my enduring smile, that my Super Mother called me a Super Mother.  Yes, yesterday I learned how to be a Super Mom firsthand and again, and I was reminded that a person never stops learning, especially about him or herself.

So Happy Mother's Day 2013 to all of you Super Moms worldwide!  I wish you peace, love, happiness and acceptance.  God Bless you.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Episodes

This morning I had an "episode" with my son Sekou Junior.  He did not want to go to school this morning and began kicking and screaming against the idea, right on our way out the door.  This is an example of one of those trying moments that, as a parent, you must dig deep inside and find your inner peace and strength to deal with the unacceptable behavior being displayed in front of you.  I am a veteran at this now, I am proud to say, although I must admit that I am waiting patiently for some recommendations on curtailing his negative behavior from the regional center.  I am interested to see after his 30-day assessment, how things may change around here when Junior is placed on a specific behavior plan.

The person assessing him has already informed me that he acts out when seeking attention.  Although this may sound like a no-brainer, I actually did not realize the dimensions of this reality.  His attention-seeking behaviors come from a loving place -- a place about which he hasn't the vocabulary to describe, but he has the sense to act upon the feelings he is experiencing from it.  I appreciate very much the enlightened opinions of the behavior specialist, as looking in from the outside always helps; but more importantly, I appreciate the insight that shows that my son feels, thinks, loves and needs.  He is as normal as any other human being by seeking the attention that keeps us alive and thriving, and by resenting any incidents that may take this attention away.  In fact, his desires sound so familiar that I am not sure I can name a person void of them; people just handle this need in different manners.  Perhaps autistic children cannot curb their feelings as much as we can, but considering the source, are these feelings all that abnormal?  I don't think so.  Once again I arrive at the conclusion that my autistic son acts more normally than one may think or even witness, and that is a fantastic thought to begin my day.  I thought I'd share this thought with the rest of you, Super Parents, along with my wish for you and yours to have a wonderful Tuesday on this lovely May day!  Peace, love and happiness to you all.

Monday, May 6, 2013

Super Parents

Hello Super Parents,

I am writing this blog to encourage and inspire other parents of autistic children as they cope with the day-to-day realities parenting a child with autism can bring.  The first word of advice that I have to offer to you, parents, is to leave your ego, and your inhibitions, at the door.  An autistic child will test your patience at the most inopportune time and place, simply to see your reaction -- much like a toddler.  Your autistic child may not speak to relatives although he or she may have sung their names on the way to their homes; he or she may not want to eat at a restaurant even though he or she seemed starved on the way there; or he or she may scream at you or scratch you if you react to him or her in any other way but nicely.  Yes, your patience will be tried, yet your rewards for being patient will be plentiful.

You see, the same child who refuses to eat or cooperate when YOU want him or her to do so, will also play a lovely tune on the piano that you had no idea he or she knew how to do; or recite the alphabet backwards, or even score a touchdown at the family barbecue.  He or she may sing a tune perfectly in key, or show so much affection that you'd like to smother him or her with hugs and kisses in return.  They are a bag full of nice, and sometimes nerve-racking, surprises, but they are our children and we should love and cherish them just the same as the others.  Autism is what it is, and we are who we are in response to that reality, and somehow it all works out.  So for those parents pulling out their hair or wondering how life will be in the future, fret not.  A normal child can break your heart just the same as one with autism:  he or she can (God forbid) get run over by a truck or be kidnapped; yet on the flip side earn a scholarship, win an Olympic medal, or simply thrive as a normal, law-abiding, God-fearing human being.  They are who and what you make them to be, and aren't the possibilities endless for all children?  The worries and risks are equal for both autistic and "normal" children alike.  Also remember that they too must grow up, grow old, and face the harsh realities life brings the same as does any other child.  So with that in mind, please go out and have a good day with your autistic child while he or she is still a child, because he or she deserves it, and so do you super parent, so do you!